Mommy Diaries #1
I have always believed I was destined for motherhood. As a young girl, it was but natural for me to play bahay-bahayan, and my being the eldest sibling made me nurture my mothering skills all the more. In short, I would boss my siblings around effortlessly. In my early teens, my parents went to the States for a 2-month vacation and I was left to play mom. I remember that it was some sort of immersion for me, for the real thing. I was left to budget the money (money that I didn’t earn), feed my siblings (we had a maid to help me), and do the errands mothers were supposed to do. It was challenging for a 14-year-old but my mother trusted in me enough to make me handle everything. For almost a week, we ate spaghetti and then baked spaghetti. And when we got tired of it, we had fried danggit/espada. I could not remember the weeks that passed but I think our maid took control of the menu planning to feed us, uhm, proper food. I also did the groceries and remembered how very much I enjoyed it. Up to this day I enjoy going to the supermarket, looking at aisles and aisles of dry goods, checking out the new stuff, comparing prices, discovering bargains. It has been some sort of refuge for me, as if I am transported to a world of my own, where I escape from the stress of everyday life and enjoy being with myself for a moment. Like some sort of spa, I suppose. I learned a lot from my 2-month mommy experience and I thought that when the time comes that I would be a real mom, I would take it all in stride. I couldn’t wait for that time. Next to getting married, motherhood has been one of my biggest dreams.
That has been my belief 2 years ago, but now, I’m not so sure I am doing things right. I remember my mother, who almost single-handedly took care of three stubborn kids with different personalities, as my dad had to make a living away from home for years, and I wonder how she managed everything. Here I am, a mother of a 2-year-old, and I can’t seem to get my act together. It seems that motherhood has taken up ALL of my time. Even the glorious time I used to spend in the shower is now gone and I’m left with bath time that’s meant for cadets in a military academy. I’m a few pages into a good book and I’m interrupted by a little tyrant, asking to hold my hand and leading me to take a peek into her world. I’d leave that same little tyrant asleep in bed, just to pee, and in a few seconds, she’d wake up wailing, looking for me. And there are the errands that I have to squeeze in between…paying the bills, budgeting (which I admit I am lousy at!), planning the menu, going to market, and keeping the house in order (a task that up to now I have yet to do!). It feels like a never-ending ride in a roller-coaster. Everyday I wake up, and I try to make it a better day than yesterday, and ask myself if it is indeed worth it to be living the dream. I look into my daughter’s eyes, half asleep on my tummy, latched on my breast, and I am one content and happy mother. Yes, the ride is definitely worth it and I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else.
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