Musings

A print ad of Kenneth Cole Reaction caught my eye. The line says, “Who are you when nobody’s looking?” What timing. I’ve been so caught up in being a person with so many roles that sometimes I forget myself. So many times I prefer to rather doze off in autopilot as I go through the motion of everyday, mundane things. I know that’s a bad thing, but sometimes I just can’t help it, and it’s a quick and easy way to avoid conflict. I guess most mothers with a household to run can relate to this. Don’t you just wish you could just drop everything at a moment’s notice and hie off to the nearest dessert place for a slice of their to-die-for chocolate cake, and at the same time spend quiet ‘me’ time? But that’s next to impossible, isn’t it? Unless you are not a hands-on mom or housewife, that chocolate cake will just have to wait. And so I go back to the question by Kenneth Cole…because that is one question worth pondering and that is one question we sometimes choose to ignore given the chaos of our times.

I am not what you say a people-oriented person and I easily get drained when in big groups and I am somehow forced to make small talk, which for me can be draining if I do that everyday.  The me I love most is the me when nobody’s looking. It’s the me I’ve come to embrace for comfort and the person I’ve run to when hell breaks loose. Sometimes I choose to ignore who I really am for the sake of conforming with the world, but it’s still there and I can never part with it. The person I am when nobody’s looking isn’t a lovable person either. It’s the scowl beneath the friendly smile and the yawn that I stifle when I’m bored and pretending to be interested. It’s also the brat in me that wants my way with things. And it’s the me who curls up like a little kid to the Big Guy up there who is in charge of everything that happens to my life, or to the world for that matter.

These days I find myself looking at my reflection in the mirror more often. I can’t believe I’m in my 30’s already. Sure, I see a few more lines here and there, I religiously apply my Olay moisturizer more so now, and my husband has been noticing those extra bulges in my thighs, but so far it’s still the same old me who loves herself enough to enjoy my company without feeling lonely or left out…the same person who wouldn’t mind hanging out in a coffee shop alone for hours, oblivious to the chatter in the next table…and the same old me who believes there’s always a reason why you are where you are now.